my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
