if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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