Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My liver just had a heart attack.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
