I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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