Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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