If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
