I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
