So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
