Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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