I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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