I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
