I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
