Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
