Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
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The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
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Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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