Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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