trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
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Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
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Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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