Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
