yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
