Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You pole danced in your parka.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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