my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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