I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
