I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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