She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
