I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
