Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
