CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
