My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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