It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
