i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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