Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
