I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
