Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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