If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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