my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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