my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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