sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
