Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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