I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
