you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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