The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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