i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
