Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
