I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
