I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
