So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
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There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
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holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit