He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
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please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
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I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.