When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
