did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later