Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
