I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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