i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
