What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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