community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
