Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
