A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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