Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
