I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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