I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
