Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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