please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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