I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
