So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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