just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
